Almost

The end of Sunday is approaching and I’m down to one more social event for the remainder of the weekend. The social will continue on into tomorrow as we are doing another family dinner then too. It’s been 3 days of happy times, laughing, drinking beer, smoking a little weed and generally relaxing in the sun. I have no complaints, however the taxation of my energy level remains another matter entirely. I feel like I’m running on fumes headed into this last little dinner thing we are having tonight. It’s not going to be much, but it’s still going out and putting on a show. People love the show, mind you, so my presence is welcome. I generally feel nourished being around all my family too, which adds a bit of fuel to the fire. I am making it and I am doing a great job. I am also getting lots of positive feedback which has helped bolster my confidence. I know the person I am and so does everyone else, and we all agree I’m pretty cool.

 

I’m going to take a break from this blog post and write the rest of it when I get back from the party. Continuation below.

 


 

Well other than the elaborate conservative vs. liberal argument about new parent’s dependance on state provided services to raise a child, it was an okay evening. Hopefully a healthy difference of opinion doesn’t ruin their already tenuous relationship. For my part I talked and cleaned up after dinner and had a good time overall. I’m home now and in my jams, just where I hoped I’d be right about now. Sadly, this :45 minutes of peace and solace bumps right against bed-time. Tomorrow is another day jammed from start to finish with more shit to do. I think though I don’t have anything on Tuesday.

 

I’m in a pessimistic place right now and I want to rant but holding myself back. Right now ranting about things I have no control over isn’t going to help me realize anything new, and is certainly not causing a reduction in the feelings. I’m better off just swallowing my thoughts and granting them some internal recognition: yes I think that behavior is pretty negative, yes the way I am being treated is not particularly respectful, yes eventually there you will know for certain and there will be resolution of sorts. I don’t mind the waiting but it is hard to watch a slow death of something that at one time looked very promising. I’m being ambiguous intentionally. 

Well it’s my bed time. I partied, I lived the life. Now reality will be mashing pans together at 4:15 tomorrow morning and I need to be ready. So goodnight. 

Ragequit

Well I had a bit of a “lost my shit” moment this afternoon, as one after the other disappointing thing happened at work. I basically work with people who put forth the bare minimum effort in their occupations and nothing negative I point out ever fucking changes. I’m so tired of hoping the supervisors will do something and watching them ignore the things that make our workplace a fucking joke. And it’s a joke. I’m surprised we aren’t laughed at more often.

I got on the road and was insane. I cut people off, I was yelling through my window and I nearly rear-ended someone in my fury. Basically, frustration boiled over and I began to hate everyone and everything. Like right now, for example.

Part of me thinks this is still part of the marijuana withdrawal because that tends to make me grouchy. It’s been a week, so it’s kinda late in the game for that to be the case… but I never flip out like this. I’m usually calm and logical, not exploding with anger. My emotions have become significantly more volatile since stopping the weed.

Trouble is, there’s nothing I can do about it without surrendering my standards. I set my goal for the first Friday of next month as to when I would start smoking under new guidelines… but here I am only a week out and I’m suffering. This is just something I’m going to have to push through. I guess.

I’m pissed at everything right now. The world is so fucking stupid it blows my mind. There’s nothing I can do to change any of the bullshit things that happen every day in my life. I just stand up, get socked in the face, and get back up again ready for another. Isn’t life fucking great?

I’m supposed to play D & D tonight but I’m furious. I don’t feel like playing a game I feel like killing someone with my bare hands. I want to choke the life out of some of these worthless fucks at my workplace, then crush their faces in to the floor with my foot. Fuck every single one of those motherfuckers.

God damnit this is fucking stupid. Why do I even bother trying? No one cares. No one gives a shit. I’m all alone out here with everyone in the world with their backs turned to me. Pretending I’m not here. Who gives a fuck what I say?

Goodbye.

Tumultuous

Having a bad start to my day caused the remainder to be a struggle. Even though I worked from home, it was still very hard. Now that I’m near the end, I feel shaky and worn-down. I find myself gravitating towards bed, a haven of safety and comfort. I’m tired, and negative thoughts are floating around. 

I’m back on this point about not dating anyone. I think developing friendships is the best course for me, as I have stated. Needing to feel needed is a perplexing state: it diminishes individuality and triggers anxiety. Feeling needed is pretty powerful, but it can also be a negative addiction. 

My anxiety has really been flipping the fuck out here lately. It’s going to be a while before I can see my doctor and I need to find ways to cope in the meantime. Normally I’d be smoking marijuana to get away from the anxiety, but, we are all aware that this is not a permanent solution. The mental aspect of this thing I have secured, but the chemical side remains fuzzy. 

My friends and I have been getting back into online games in addition to the weekly D & D. Rekindling that fire has been rewarding and presents all sorts of options for socialization. Many good times ahead, I can see. I’m glad to have this back in my life, it has given me something to be happy about. 

Tonight I’m trying to stay up until around 8 or so. I remember when Carly was sad when I went to bed early. Now she doesn’t talk to me for long stretches of time… I kinda wish there was an ulterior motive. At least then I would know. Some people react to my herpes diagnosis with sadness and curiosity… others are fundamentally disgusted and distance themselves (it would seem). People respond to things in strange ways. At least, I’m pretty sure I have this situation read properly. My anxiety projects these negative realities and they feel quite convincing, regardless of whether they are true or not. Usually not. I’ll continue to go on cultivating friendships that matter, if I am indeed right about all this. The virus can prove to be a filter for finding the right sorts of people to surround myself with. 

I have had a tumultuous day, and I’m glad the end of it is fast approaching. Have a good night blog. 

Compromises

Well I did go to work today… an hour and a half early. Sigh. By the time the start of my shift got close, I was barely keeping my eyes open. I gathered up my laptop and went home, realizing full well I didn’t have what I needed to function. I got back and slept another 2 hours before feeling alive. 

Working from home is often more productive than going to the office. I’m less distracted and more comfortable. I hammered out quite a bit of work today and I feel good about that. Tonight I’m going to get peaceful sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed. I’m ready to try again once my brain gets a good reset. 

These lonely weeknights are hard for me. I wish I had more people to talk to. I wish I didn’t always have to be the one who pokes. I guess this is the situation I’m in and I just need to come to terms with it. When I get lonely, I come here and vent my frustrations. It’s a good feeling to express, with or without acknowledgement. 

I need to try to stay awake for as long as possible before going to bed. No early bedtime! My body feels not good. I’m shaky and having problems with temperature regulation. Starting the day off wrong has far-reaching consequences. Tonight will be better. 

Ugh

Well fuck. It’s going to be one of those 47 hour days, and the clock has just barely started to tick. This sucks. However, maybe there is a good side in all of this… I just need a change of perspective.

This is a chance for me to still have the day I need to have but now under a profound level of duress. Am I up to the challenge of still having a functional day despite this hardship? I have things I must do, and they need to happen whether I’m exhausted or not. There is no staying home and there is no leaving work early; I need to face the challenges that are handed to me not run from them.

I might be being a bit hard on myself, but It’s about time a new obstacle came my way. I love those Fitbit challenges because they aren’t easy. I like to be challenged as this is a great way to grow and learn. At least, in my opinion.

So, this may be a really unfortunate spot to be in, but it is nevertheless my lot and I must face it. Just like with anything in my life; I don’t run and hide from things. So I’m going to drink my 3:00 am coffee and wait patiently for a reasonable time to start my day. Ugh.

 

What The Fuck Time Is It? 

Too early, that’s what. My head popped off the pillow at 11:30 pm yesterday and I have not been able to get back to sleep since. A most unfortunate development. 

Nevertheless, here I am, tired but not asleep. Insomnia is a very real threat now that I stopped smoking, as marijuana usually provided me with dreamless, uninterrupted sleep. Now I need to be prepared for days like today, and ready for the fallout. 

It’s going to be a struggle to get through, but I’m not copping out and calling in sick. I can push through. Exercise and lots of coffee should help swing the pendulum back in my direction, but will it be enough? 

In preparation for what lies ahead, I will be more patient and more diligent about my work as tired people make errors. Today is going to be an abnormally difficult day. 

I tried to go back to sleep just now. Nope. Feel tired, can’t sleep. It’s a really awful feeling. 3 hours is not enough. Clearly. 

I hope your day starts off on the right foot. 

First

I’m back at work again blog and kinda glad. The weekend and all that unstructured time left my thoughts to their negative devices. However, I still faced a similar problem after work today. I had another block of time and only a few ways to occupy it. I am pleased to report that I did not cave in to temptation and did not even have the urge. What I did feel was resolve. I know what I need to do to get healthy and I’m not going to let addictive tendencies derail that. 

I have begun talking to Amanda again, and this has been rewarding. I’d like to be a meaningful friend in her life. I have no intentions other than to have someone to talk to who knows me. She was a big part of my life the last two plus years and I’d be a fool to discount that. The feelings I had for her are different than they were, but there is still real emotion there, and love I would say. Love in a context that is not how it used to be. I realize that this might be dangerous territory, but I am not concerned. I know in my heart what I want out of my life and I know what things will help me realize that. Just like Carly and I have professed to be “more than friends,” so too will a similar dynamic exist here. 

Things are happening in my world. I’m going to be an uncle soon. I’m will be headed out on long family vacations in the coming months. Tahoe in July, then Sacramento in August for my nephew’s arrival. I already bought him a unijammy (as I call them) because it’s the finest piece of baby apparel a budding man-cub can own. 

People are noticing how much weight I’ve lost. 22.8 pounds as of my last check in over the weekend. My work dress slacks don’t fit anymore… or at least, not without a belt. My wardrobe comes from a time where I weighed 285, about five years ago. I weigh 196.8 right now, the slimmest I have been since high school. How? Eating a minimal amount of food and exercising vigorously multiple times per day. I average 5 – 7 miles in my 8 hour shift. Or roughly 10,000 to 14,000 steps. I ingest significantly fewer calories than I take in, and the results are profound. Is it the most healthy way to go about it? No. Then again, my body has been used to eating 1 meal a day for the last 7 years. I’m acclimated. My metabolism is burning fat to fuel the fires and I continue to build muscle in my legs and increase my oxygen intake efficiency ( went from VO2 of 33.8 to 44 in two months). I think things are going perfectly right now. 

This week the motivation is solely on me. I have no step competition to rally to. I have no goal, other than to get a solid mile or more in every two hours and work up a heavy sweat. So what if I’m sweaty at work? Most of the people there are fat and lazy. I’m the only one determined to lose weight and look fit. It’s a litany of bad role models, junk food and beer bellies. Not my crowd, and boy do I stand out. 

Ultimately, I’m proud of where I am. I worked my ass off to get mentally healthy and now physically too. I’m not going to stop until I’m at my ideal weight, and stable in my mind. It’s up to me to hold the line and perpetuate my healthy behaviors. I believe in myself, and I know I can do this. I’m not smoking, I’m perpetuating good behaviors.